Must be a blue moon... Because I'm updating.

today i don't feel like using proper capitalization. mostly because it's like 3am and this is just a rant of stream of consciousness so my thoughts will stop racing so I can sleep.

More and more recently it has become more and more clear to me that you can't please everyone. No matter what, 2 people always want you with them. And unless those two people are in the same place, as humans, we have a slight problem. God did not give us the gift of omnipresence, but I wish He had. Between friends and family, I feel like I never have time to breathe. I love them all and would not change anything about the sense of busyness they cause in my life, but it's somewhat tiring sometimes. I cannot be everywhere, but I wish I could. It was increasingly difficult this past week when all of my family was in town. Seeing as my parents are divorced and remarried, I had a lot of people who cared enough about me to come and see me graduate. It was a blast, but sometimes it got so difficult. Between spending time with my mom's family, my dad's family, and my friends it just seemed like I got about 12 hours of sleep that entire week (and that's probably not a far shot from the truth). I feel like I belong in that movie where if the guy stops darting around everywhere, he'll die. I can say I've done one smart thing though. I have decided not to pick up anymore hours at my job this summer despite my mass amount of free time. I'll probably regret this decision in the fall when I'm just another broke college student, but I don't really care. I want to enjoy this time with my friends and family. I have several friends at work, but I don't want to spend most of my time there. I think it's a completely logical thing to do, even though I do quite enjoy my job {most of the time}.

But moving on from how I'm terrible at time management, to how I hate when my friends are sad.
I can't handle sadness. I wasn't built for it. I was built strictly to be happy. Being anything less than perfectly content with my life instantly drains me of all emotion and energy. Today {or yesterday. whatever} was a fantastic day with the exception of it seemed like almost all my friends were sad or depressed about something. I mostly hate the feeling because no matter if I try and make them laugh, or even if I succeed, it is ultimately not up to me how they feel and I can't change it, no matter how hard I try. And believe me, I try. Nothing breaks my heart and crushes it into tinier pieces than the ones I love being sad. They're my life, and when my life is sad I get sad. I'm powerless, utterly powerless, and I think that is what depresses me most. I desperately hate not being in control, but I hate having to make decisions. I am a bucket of contradictions, but I'm ok with that.... I think. I think that I need a few good days of sleep. Or at least one. There is still so much stress on me right now. I just want to be stress free. I want to relax and have fun. But I have to constantly remind myself that what I want doesn't matter and that God laughs when I try to tell Him what I want and what my plans are. When I read back over this I'll probably laugh at the incoherent babble and utter stream of consciousness thoughts. I think it's time for me to sleep, even though it probably won't be good sleep because my entire body is in knots and my thoughts, although they're slow and sleepy, are still going through my head. But my computer is dying {technically, we all are. We begin our journey to death the second we are born. Depressing thought but it's true.}, and my dogs are asleep. Goodness I hope God gives me strength and patience, because I need it. A hug wouldn't be too shabby either. :/ But anyway goodnight to the internet. Because no one else will ever read this crap anyway.